The End, or In which Lost ends
by Zephdae
Summary: Come on. You know I had to do it.
1. Act One

The End, _or_  
In which Lost ends

* * *

CARLTON: Previously, on LOST…

A whole bunch of CRAZY SHIT happened, and if you AREN'T FAMILIAR with it, you have NO HOPE of UNDERSTANDING this episode and might as well TURN OFF the TV now.

PEOPLE WHO NEVER WATCHED LOST, BUT ARE TUNING IN TO SEE WHAT THE FUSS IS ALL ABOUT: Pssh. How hard can it be? They crashed on some island, right?

JACOB: Drink this, Jack. Now you're like me. By the way I say this every time I give someone a drink, makes me real popular at parties.

LOCKE MONSTER: So, do I want Desmond dead, or in a well, or wandering about the island? I don't know! I'm like 2000 years old, I'm completely senile!

DESMOND: I know more than everyone else because I'm all electromagnetically special.

AUDIENCE: Yeah, we never really understood how that worked.

DARLTON: Us neither. I mean… look, the episode's starting!

The EPISODE BEGINS with images of CHRISTIAN'S COFFIN and various other IMAGES of characters both ON and OFF the ISLAND.

JACK: I'm a DOCTOR!

SAWYER: I'm a COP!

BEN: I'm making TEA!

LOCKE: I'm PARALYZED!

KATE: I'm wearing a TROUBLED FACIAL EXPRESSION!

The COFFIN gets delivered to the CHURCH where the LAMP POST STATION is.

DELIVERY GUY: I have really gross long stringy greasy hair.

DESMOND: I just got a blow out.

KATE: I could use one of those.

DESMOND: I'm going to act all deep and mysterious and smug because I know what's going on and you don't!

KATE: Can we stop at a hair salon?

DESMOND: No. Let's go somewhere mysterious that I can't tell you anything about.

Back on the ISLAND, JACK is standing in some WATER because it looks all DRAMATIC. Kate watches him, looking TROUBLED.

SAWYER: Let's have a conversation so unimportant that it will be used as a so-called sneak peak for the finale.

JACK: Yeah, and then I'll recap the last episode for you guys.

SAWYER: I'll go find Desmond and catch up with y'all.

KATE: Why is everyone suddenly able to track? I'm supposed to be the only one who can track! Remember that one time with the boar?

SAWYER: Yeah. It looked like Alf. Hey, remember that one time Jack told you not to come with us because he was being a little bitch and punishing you for kissing him, then you followed us anyway and got caught because you're a helpless woman and we lost all our guns?

KATE: Oh yeah. Good times.

JACK: Aw, I miss season two. I got to be all manly manly and domineering. I've totally changed now, of course. My hair's longer, for one thing.

HURLEY: I think this scene needs to end with a second Star Wars reference.

LOST

Back in the SIDEWAYS WORLD, HURLEY and SAYID are DRIVING in Hurley's BITCHIN' YELLOW HUMMER.

HURLEY: I get to be all smug and mysterious too because I know what's going on!

SAYID: This is obnoxious.

HURLEY: Hey, remember that one time when you rescued me from the mental institution and killed a guy by throwing him onto knives sticking out of a dishwasher and then got tranqed up and almost died?

SAYID: No.

Hurley goes to CHARLIE'S MOTEL ROOM and GRINS like a MORON.

CHARLIE: Clearly you think my guyliner is sexy, and who can blame you, but I'm not into fat guys. Or fat chicks for that matter.

HURLEY: Oh, Charlie, you have no idea. I'm going to tranq you in the ass.

He DUMPS Charlie in the TRUNK.

SAYID: Now this is starting to seem familiar.

Back on the ISLAND, JACK and KATE have a TENSE ROMANTIC MOMENT, which we shall IGNORE.

SAWYER finds LOCKE MONSTER and BEN at the WELL

SAWYER: So Desmond's gone…oh well. Oh _well_! Get it? 'Cause…we're…at a well?

LOCKE MONSTER: Listen up, Sawyer. This whole good-versus-evil, balancing the scales thing—I'm over it. I'm done with the mortal coil. But believe me, I'm going for a big finish. I'm going to destroy the island!

SAWYER: What do you want from me, Locke slash The First?

LOCKE MONSTER: Um, nothing, you're the one who found me. And what the hell is The First?

In reply, Sawyer PUNCHES BEN and STEALS his GUN.

BEN: HEY!

LOCKE MONSTER: Oh, come on. You get beaten up all the time, I'm pretty sure you should be used to it.

BEN: True dat.

LOCKE MONSTER: Now we need to find Desmond and use him to destroy the island!

BEN: It's not _fa-air_. You said _I_ could be in charge after you leave. I'll tell your _mom_ on you.

LOCKE MONSTER: Nah, I totally killed that bitch.

BEN: (grumble grumble) It might be time for me to switch loyalties…again. I need to reach my quota of at least three times per every two episodes!

Elsewhere, we find out that DESMOND has been RESCUED by ISLAND ROSE, ISLAND BERNARD, and ISLAND VINCENT.

BERNARD: Desmundo! Long time! How've you been?

ROSE: Bernard! Stop chatting and go make me a sammich!

BERNARD: Yes dear. Come on Wilson—er, Vincent.

DESMOND: So, Rose, I see you're still bossing everyone around like the ghetto island Oprah you are.

ROSE: Yeah…sorry, Des, but you gots to get gone.

DESMOND: Bitch.

BERNARD: Hey, look who I found!

LOCKE MONSTER: Hi guys! Long time!

ROSE: Gosh, yeah, we haven't seen you since… wow, could it be that time in the jungle in season four when we all split up between you and Jack?

LOCKE MONSTER: That _is_ a long time! And hey, no hard feelings. Girl, how you been?

DESMOND: He isn't really Locke! Don't let him INFECT you!

ROSE: Huh?

DESMOND: Long story. No, wait, it's short. Locke died and this is really the smoke monster, who is very deeply evil.

ROSE: That's just crazy talk, you silly Scottish man. Locke and I have a special bond because the island healed us both!

LOCKE MONSTER: Rose, I'm going to kill you and Bernard if Desmond doesn't come with me right now.

ROSE: Oh. Well then. (pause) Don't go with him, Desmond! It doesn't matter if we die!

DESMOND: I thought you wanted me to GTFO.

ROSE: I did but it was only TTFN.

LOCKE MONSTER: And I'll get your little dog, too!

DESMOND: NO NOT THE DOG!

LOCKE MONSTER: Then let's go!

DESMOND: Okay, just promise me you won't touch that dog.

LOCKE MONSTER: Nope, I certainly won't _touch_ him, ha ha ha.

DESMOND: I am not at all suspicious about the way you phrased that statement.

LOCKE MONSTER, BEN, and DESMOND trek through the JUNGLE.

DESMOND: Even in this reality I know more than I'm supposed to.

LOCKE MONSTER: Yeah, and it's still obnoxious. You know, Desmond, you're alive for one reason, and one reason only. Because I wish it. Do you know why I wish it? Because I'm not done with you.

DESMOND: Yeah yeah. You're just blowing smoke, aren't you, you great bloody windbag. Have you ever considered a cool name? I mean, since you need me to destroy the island and you're basically powerless… How about the Taunter? Strikes fear in the hearts of—

BEN: (beep)

LOCKE MONSTER: What the hell is that?

BEN: (beep) Nothing. My watch. It's a heart monitor. Hey, remember that time in season three when I told Sawyer I was putting a pacemaker in his chest and his heart would explode if his heartrate got too high?

LOCKE MONSTER: That was pretty lame as practical jokes go. Not nearly as awesome as the time I put more and more nickels into Randy's phone until he got used to the weight, then I just…took 'em all out.

Meanwhile, MILES and ALPERT are hanging out at DHARMAVILLE and having a very URGENT CONVERSATION that also coincidentally RECAPS the LAST EPISODE.

MILES: Way to go at confronting the smoke monster dude.

ALPERT: We have to destroy the plane so Locke can't leave!

MILES: Don't get your panties in a twist, man, we'll get it done.

ALPERT: How come we're working together, anyway? Do I even know you?

MILES: You know, I'm not really sure… This is a very complicated show.

In the SIDEWAYS WORLD, SIDEWAYS MILES sees SAYID sitting in Hurley's BITCHIN' YELLOW HUMMER.

MILES: Egad! I must call Sawyer and recap the events which caused Sayid to be arrested all those episodes ago!

SAWYER: Great, now I have to do my job and go protect this Sun person, because Sayid is evil and is obviously out to get her.

MILES: Will you be home for dinner?

SAWYER: No

MILES: (pouts) You never pay attention to me.

Meanwhile, SUN and JIN are in the HOSPITAL, talking ernestly in KOREAN because this is the ONLY LANGUAGE they SPEAK. Surprisingly enough, this conversation also serves to RECAP the events from SEVERAL EPISODES AGO.

JIN: You are pregnant. I hope that the baby is all right after you got shot.

SUN: We are on the run from my father because he doesn't think you are good enough for me.

Suddenly, JULIET enters!

JULIET: Hello, strangers!

SUN: Hello, strange doctor. We do not speak a word of English.

Juliet begins a VERY RELAXING scene in which she does an ULTRASOUND on Sun.

JULIET: I have an awesome bedside manner, much better than Jack's, don't you think?

SUN and JIN suddenly REMEMBER every detail of their LIVES on the ISLAND.

JIN: Dude.

SUN: Remembering your own death is trippy as hell.

JIN: (giggles) Sorry, I just got back the memory of seeing King Ralph.

SUN: Also, we've now remembered how to speak English. Just like that time on the island when I hit my head and randomly forgot how to speak English. Only opposite.

AUDIENCE: Wish we could learn a foreign language that easily.

JULIET: Sorry, this ultrasound experience was not moving enough to make me remember my past life, so I'm just bemused. Goodbye strangers!

Back on the ISLAND, SAWYER somehow CATCHES UP to JACK, KATE, and HURLEY.

SAWYER: Desmond's gone. Couldn't find him.

JACK: Meh, doesn't matter. Locke will bring him where we're going anyway.

SAWYER: Okay…why didn't you tell me that before I went to get him?

JACK: Oh. Heheh. It was just funny.

SAWYER: (rolls eyes) So where _are_ we going anyway, and what's going to happen when we get there?

JACK: I don't have to tell you, because I'm the new Jacob and I know way more than you about everything. So I'll just say something vague and obnoxious that mimics the episode title.

The four of them go TREKKING up the HILLSIDE.

GIACCHINO: ADVENTURE THEME!

MOST OF AUDIENCE: (awash in waves of grief and nostalgia) This may be the last time we ever hear the adventure theme!

PEOPLE WHO NEVER WATCHED LOST, BUT ARE TUNING IN TO SEE WHAT THE FUSS IS ALL ABOUT: (oblivious to the power of the adventure theme) We knew all those people who talked about how complicated Lost is were just full of it. This is totally easy. The bald guy wants to destroy the island and escape on some plane, so that Asian guy and the guy with the eyeliner are going to blow it up. The guy who looks like Clay Aiken in twenty years is going to sabotage the bald guy's plans. Jack is an asshole and Sawyer is way hot and there's something weird going on with that Scottish guy. And there's these flashforwards where they all have amnesia or something. And we think there might be a monster somewhere but we haven't seen it.

* * *

AN: What up, guys? How about that finale? Check out my profile for a complete review, but overall, I think it was as good as could have been expected. I'm a little iffy on the whole purgatory twist, I really liked the idea of an alternate timeline and I wanted to see how that would've turned out. I guess thematically the purgatory was appropriate, but plotwise it seemed something of a cop-out. Still, Lost has a special place in my heart—and when I love something, I have to make fun of it. Just ask my family and friends!

If you can pinpoint all the Buffy references and quotes in this chapter, you will get a special prize. My friends and I had this thing about comparing the final season of Lost to the final season of Buffy…mostly because of how the smoke monster is like a blatant rip-off of The First. It's really amazing how many similarites you can find if you really try, tho.

There should be four more parts to this parody, I think, and I'd like to say part two will go up in a few days. But this is me, so who really knows, right?

Review if you want, but I'm not going to slash my wrists or anything if you don't.


	2. Act Two

The End, _or_  
In which Lost ends

Act Two

* * *

In the SIDEWAYS HOSPITAL, LOCKE and JACK have a very TOUCHING pre-surgery CONVERSATION.

LOCKE: How do you like my blue shower cap? Very fashionable, no?

JACK: I'm gonna fix you. And you will dance at your wedding.

LOCKE: My fiancée might be disappointed to hear that, I always step on her toes.

JACK: Then again, I might slice open your spinal somethin' and find pasta in there. It's really a toss-up!

LOCKE: Say, did you ever find your father's corpse?

JACK: That old drunk? Nah, I think he's still knockin' around the airways.

Back on the ISLAND, MILES gets TOUCHY with ALPERT.

MILES: You've got some dandruff on your collar there, let me brush that off for ya, buddy.

ALPERT: Um, thanks.

MILES: Bro, you've got some chocolate on your chin. Here, I'll get that bad boy.

ALPERT: How can I possibly have chocolate on my face? I haven't even eaten in, like…wow. Can anyone remember the last time they saw someone eat on this island?

MILES: Hey, you've got a gray hair, for reals this time! Look!

ALPERT: Aw crap. I'm going to hell.

Miles and Alpert start ROWING somewhere, presumably to HYDRA ISLAND. They run into a RANDOM DEAD BODY. Then they find FRANK.

MILES: Frank! You're alive! Wait. Did I even know that you were supposed to be dead?

ALPERT: Do I even know who the hell you are?

Thus, in the ONE SCENE that actually NEEDS a RECAP, we DO NOT GET ONE.

ALPERT: We're going to destroy the plane!

We ALREADY KNOW this.

FRANK: Don't do that, dummy, I can fly us outta here. Except, I think we already tried that a couple episodes ago and found out that the plane was rigged with C4. Oh well. We're not recapping that, so no one will remember!

Back on the ISLAND, LOCKE MONSTER, BEN, and DESMOND come FACE-TO-FACE with JACK, KATE, HURLEY, and SAWYER.

KATE: (opens fire) DIE, YOU BASTARD!

LOCKE MONSTER: Kate, sweetie, I'm not corporeal, remember? Ooh, ahh, the bullets burn as they ineffectually pass through me. Meanwhile, Ben and Dessie there are in very real danger from your erratic firing.

KATE: (glower)

JACK: Hiya, I'm the new Jacob.

LOCKE MONSTER: Really? You? Jacob might as well have outfitted the island with a big red self-destruct button!

JACK: It does have one of those! But all it does is dispense lattes.

LOCKE MONSTER: (ignoring him) I mean, really, even Kate would have been a better choice, and she has been a card-carrying member of the Useless Club ever since season two.

JACK: I'm the protector of this island. And I'm going to kill you, so hard.

LOCKE MONSTER: —Of course, almost everyone did a Useless stint back in season two. But Kate never really managed to shake it off.

JACK: HEY! I'm threatening you over here!

LOCKE MONSTER: Sorry, kiddo. Let's get a move on to that glowy cave so you can kill me.

JACK: No, I'm going to stare at you menacingly for several minutes first and try to talk all obnoxiously mysterious, like Jacob used to.

LOCKE MONSTER: This is very dull.

In the SIDEWAYS WORLD, JACK and JULIET bump into each other and CASUALLY reveal that Juliet is Jack's EX-WIFE and the MOTHER of his SON.

JACK: YOU ARE MY EX-WIFE AND THE MOTHER OF MY SON!

JULIET: (rolls eyes)

LOST FANS, AKA MOST OF THE AUDIENCE: (roll eyes) In no way is this a surprise to anyone.

PEOPLE WHO NEVER WATCHED LOST, BUT ARE TUNING IN TO SEE WHAT THE FUSS IS ALL ABOUT: (are not surprised either, because they do not even know who the hell Juliet is)

JULIET: So, Jack, I just took a random poll of the hospital and everyone agrees that my bedside manner is 10,000 times better than yours. Even that bald guy in the shower cap said that you threatened to kill him during surgery.

JACK: That is so not what I happened.

DAVID: Hey, how about those concert tickets?

JACK: Here they are. Why don't you take Claire with you?

JULIET: Oh, yes, the so-called "sister" who's living with you. Not a very clever cover story. I mean, who hasn't used the "she's my sister" excuse? Even that guy Abraham used it in the Bible.

JACK: Perhaps your jealousy is the reason we divorced.

JULIET: No, I'm pretty sure it was your general idiocy.

Back on the ISLAND, LOCKE MONSTER, JACK, and COMPANY are JOURNEYING.

JACK and SAWYER: (have a conversation in which Jack reveals as little as possible about his plans for defeating Locke Monster, while sounding wise and mysterious)

SAWYER: Either you have no idea what you're doing, or you're some kind of secret genius. (pauses, chuckles) Secret genius? Sometimes I say crazy things.

LOCKE MONSTER: Everyone else should stay behind while Jack, Desmond, and I go into the glowy cave thing.

HURLEY: Okay, but Jack, remember: All that's inside is what you take with you. Your weapons…you will not need them.

JACK: Thanks, Mr. Miyagi.

HURLEY: Dude, that was Yoda.

SAWYER: Yeah…don't try to give nicknames, Doc.

JACK: I nod in solemn acknowledgment of your advice.

He and Desmond FOLLOW Locke Monster into the BAMBOO.

GIACCHINO: Dramatic. Suspenseful. Understated.

They ARRIVE at the GLOWY CAVE.

JACK: Trippy. All right, Des, get in there!

DESMOND: Whatever. None of this matters because there's this whole alternate reality thing, which only I know about, and for some reason I think that going into that cave will send me there.

JACK: You are no longer being mysterious and vague. I do not approve. Therefore you must be wrong.

DESMOND: Really, the only downside to this alternate reality is that you are there. I had to sit next to you on Oceanic 815 until I just couldn't stand it anymore.

In the SIDEWAYS WORLD, SAYID and HURLEY are still hanging out in Hurley's BITCHIN' YELLOW HUMMER. It is DARK. CHARLIE is probably still PASSED OUT in the back.

HURLEY: Sayid, you might not believe this, but you're a good person.

SAYID: I know.

HURLEY: People might have told you— Wait. What?

SAYID: I've only ever killed people in the service of a greater good. I mean, when I killed Keamy and those mercenaries, I was only doing it to protect Nadia and my brother, wasn't I?

HURLEY: Well, maybe, but… I saw you kill that guy with that break dancing thing you do with your legs!

SAYID: I don't know what you are talking about. But, I'm sure if I ever did such a thing, it would be because I was being held captive and some bad men were threatening to kill my friends.

HURLEY: Right. Well. I suppose that's true.

SAYID: But every time I fight or kill someone, I feel more and more empty inside, even when I know I'm helping the people I love. I wish I could just stop fighting.

HURLEY: Heyyy, look! There's a girl being attacked by some bad men! Don't you want to go, um, fight them and rescue her?

SAYID: Seriously? This is how you were planning to convince me that I'm a good person? Did you think I would ever hesitate to rescue a girl from being raped and murdered?

HURLEY: Um…

SAYID: Haven't you been _listening_? I've been fighting and killing in order to save _other people_ for the entire fucking show! In no way will fighting these guys in order to save Shannon redeem me! I need to stop fighting for once so I can save _myself_!

HURLEY: Wait, wait, wait. You haven't remembered Shannon yet. And what is this "show" you speak of?

FOURTH WALL: (goes back up)

SAYID: WELL, FINE! I'll go and rescue this chick because I know that's what I have to do! But you clearly know nothing about me if you think this will bring me some great redemption!

HURLEY: Um, actually, I know a lot about you…

SAYID: (rolls eyes)

He RESCUES SHANNON. They REMEMBER each other and it is ALMOST TOUCHING, except…

LOST FANS: (never really cared that much about the Sayid/Shannon relationship one way or the other)

PEOPLE WHO NEVER WATCHED LOST, BUT ARE TUNING IN TO SEE WHAT THE FUSS IS ALL ABOUT: Aww, true loves reunited!

BOONE: (shows up at Hurley's window and watches Sayid and Shannon make out) I seem to have gotten over my step-sister obsession in this reality.

HURLEY: You _were_ pretty creepy about it, dude.

BOONE: But my eyebrows are still freakish. I guess there's only so much progress a person can make.

On the ISLAND outside the BAMBOO FOREST, BEN gets a CALL from MILES, who has reached HYDRA ISLAND with ALPERT and FRANK.

MILES: You better get yer ass over here if you want to get off this island.

BEN: When did we become friends?

MILES: Hey, did I just hear someone say "sonuvabitch"? Put Sawyer on, will you?

SAWYER: What's up, Miles?

MILES: Jim, I'm not leaving without you! I lov— I mean… I can't leave you, I just can't!

SAWYER: Stop stalking me, perv.

MILES: Oh, hey, it's Claire. And she's…got a…GUN!

KATE: Did I just hear a crazy chick firing a gun? Put Claire on!

BEN: Hey, remember that time I told Tom over the walkie to kill Sayid, Jin, and Bernard, but they only fired into the sand? (gets dreamy eyed) Back when I was still in charge…

CLAIRE: You're here to kill me, aren't you? I'LL KILL YOU ALL!

ALPERT: Calm down there, Crazy Eyes.

CLAIRE: Fine. I won't kill you. Bye.

She RETREATS back into the JUNGLE.

FRANK: That was…pointless.

Meanwhile, LOCKE MONSTER, JACK, and DESMOND have entered the CAVE and reached a GLOWY WATERFALL.

JACK: Get down there, Des! Do what you do.

DESMOND: Do you have _any_ idea what I'm supposed to do down there?

JACK: Yes. Of course.

DESMOND: Whatever. I'm just going to walk into the light.

LOCKE MONSTER: When I went down there, I turned into the smoke monster. But I'm pretty sure no one really knows why that happened.

He and Jack LOWER Desmond down the WATERFALL on a ROPE.

LOCKE MONSTER: Hey, remember that time we used a rope to climb down into the hatch?

JACK: Stop pretending to be John Locke. You just stole his face.

LOCKE MONSTER: See, Jack, here's something you're not getting. I am part of the monster, as you kids call it, but I'm also me. Johnathan Locke, late paraplegic and box company worker. Here, I'll prove it to you. Ask me a question only I know the answer to. Something like…where did I hide the moon pies in the hatch or who was my favorite character in Little Women. Meg. I know! Most people guess Beth, but Meg, she's such a proper young lady. Remember when Jo burned her hair?

JACK: You hid the moon pies? Damn! So that's why I never could find them.

LOCKE MONSTER: Not the point, Jack.

JACK: I know. The point is, as soon as Desmond does whatever it is he's doing down there, I'm going to KILL you!

LOCKE MONSTER: (chortles and nearly drops the rope) Okay, Jack. We'll see.

The camera ZOOMS DOWN the WATERFALL, much like the SEASON 1 FINALE!

LOST FANS: (once again, awash in waves of grief and nostalgia) There is only an hour and a half of Lost left. Ever!

PEOPLE WHO NEVER WATCHED LOST, BUT ARE TUNING IN TO SEE WHAT THE FUSS IS ALL ABOUT: There's seriously another hour and a half of this left? What kind of bloated monstrosity of a show ends with a two-hour recap, a two-and-a-half-hour finale, and another hour of commentary from the cast and Jimmy Kimmel? Self-indulgent narcissistic crap…

* * *

AN: I meant, of course, to get this posted sooner. I just had a productive flurry today and wrote all of it, except the first page which I already had. The next part should go up in no more than a week, though hopefully less.

Heh, I got pretty vitriolic in that scene with Hurley and Sayid, which I usually don't do in parodies. But Sayid's "redemption" was one of the few things that truly infuriated me about the finale, and the season in general for that matter. See my profile for a complete analysis! (And many more parodies of Lost.)

In addition to the usual BtVS, references in this chapter include: The Office, Monsters vs. Aliens, and How I Met Your Mother. Maybe others…I forget.

Reviews will make me happy, and will very possibly give me motivation to post the next part faster. But this is not a binding contract. I make no promises. You are under no obligation.


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